Thursday, February 24, 2011

I write.



*Friday Tori and I had been out to Semiahmoo. Saturday the sun was shining and I knew it was just the thing we needed. I knew D would love it. Awesome fish and chips on the bay watching the sunset over the ocean. So we did, and it was so great.*


I am a historian. My senior thesis of my under graduate degree changed me. It was centered around Ghandi and other similar characters in history, although focused on nonviolence (very different from anti-war). Nonviolence is self control, internal peace, internal security, and internal self reliance. It comes down to having control of your REactions. It is self-mastery. I believe it is a God-like attribute.
I had a few great professors in college who influenced me greatly. One of them was David Christensen. He taught me the importance of a driving force behind our actions. Really he only said one sentence on the matter, but it triggered years of thought and evaluation of my life, and even tied back into my senior thesis. He said something to the effect of, “If you focus on the WHY you get out of bed at 5:30 in the morning to exercise rather than the pain of waking up so early, it will make it easier.”

Are you making any connections? Okay – let me help out a little.

Motivation. What drives you to do things? I am a pleaser by nature, but over the years have been working my way toward focusing my efforts to please God rather than humans. Letting goodness motivate me rather than praise or gratification from others. I think pleasers have more insecurities and less solidarity within. There is a fine line between tact and accommodation. I tend to lean more toward the accommodating side of things, even at my own expense.
Stay with me, this is a really thick topic, but I think it is also very profound.
So what motivates you? Do you do things because you feel like you are “supposed” to? Because you feel like you need to fit a mold? Because someone expects you to? Do I do things for gratification? Why do I do things? What drives me? Do I have pure motives?

As part of my journey to love myself more and have internal peace, I evaluated different areas of my life. Looking to understnad my own motives and what drives me to do certain things.

I write. Because my mind goes and goes all daylong and my thoughts and feelings flow more eloquently from my fingertips than out of my mouth. I don’t speak well, I tend to have several, “umms”, “likes”, and “you-knows”. I also write so I can sleep. It helps my brain shut off. I write so that maybe my thoughts and feelings could help someone else. Others who write inspire me.

I speak. I choose to speak because it is more personal than text. It takes more effort to call someone rather than send them a written message over the phone. So I am careful about when I choose to speak. I should try to speak more than I do. It isn't always the easiest mode, but i am glad when I choose to speak.

I create. I create because it gives me a sense of accomplishment and I enjoy it. Sewing is therapeutic for me.

I stay home. I stay home because I choose to and because I can. We are blessed enough for me to stay home. But I also WANT to be home with my kids and to care for our home, it is our safe haven. I want it to be a safe place and a refuge for my family.

I photograph. I invest time into learning how to capture beautiful images because I love beautiful things. God speaks to me through beautiful scenery. I like to bring those moments home with me. My photography is sacred to me. It speaks to me. Up to this point, I have a difficult time making it a job.

I struggle. I have struggled with body image for a lot of years. Emotional problems not taken care of translated into physical problems, I think that happens more than we think. I read this, and it changed me. I am changing my motive. For far too long I struggle to be thin to gain acceptance and love from others. Now I am trying to do it for the right reasons. Health, care, love, and control. I am changing the "Why?" the motivation behind what I do.

I love. I love life. I love that the Atonement allows for progression in this life. That we can at ANY point try to be better. I love that we are not so awful that there is no hope. I love people. I love others for what they offer. I don’t have pet peeves. Really for my bridal shower they asked D a question, then I had to answer it before he did (on the video). They asked my biggest pet peeve. Neither of us could think of one. Most things don’t bother me about people. Mostly I feel sympathy and love. Love for what someone is or has become despite their circumstances.

I learn. Knowledge is power. I learn because for me it is a spiritual experience. I like to understand and learn more only to realize how little I do know and understand.

I schedule. I schedule because I know myself, and I know I need to.

I blog. I blog because I benefit from others who blog. I have a selective blog roll, some make me happy, others inspire me, some just make me laugh. Maybe sharing thoughts and feelings helps all of us. Sometimes after I blog, I get really concerned that I might offend someone. Remember, I am a pleaser.

I am human. And I can handle that.

I am not perfect. My motives are not always pure. But I am improving. And that is what is important.

6 comments:

Laney said...

i love this! i like that your blog posts aren't fluffy. they are your thoughts.

B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tyson and Dani Todd said...

Really, on many occasions, I thank Heavenly Father that you are my friend. This post explains the many reasons why =0)

Annajean D. said...

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful reminders! (And your pictures are lovely, too.)

Joan said...

Well said. Very beautiful.

Rachel S said...

So deep! Love it- you make me want to be a better person!